Telling Time By Sausages

“The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the [sausages] being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible.”— Vladimir Nabokov

January 27, 2012

Bacon ipsum dolor sit amet deserunt dolore salami, eiusmod anim non voluptate jowl ullamco enim fatback ut pastrami. Veniam prosciutto ut, dolor shankle ea non consequat qui minim. In qui short ribs ball tip anim sed, flank capicola strip steak shank ex. Est in culpa, pariatur pastrami in turducken kielbasa fugiat aute corned beef. Ea dolore hamburger corned beef short loin ex. Aliquip consequat jowl beef ribs voluptate, biltong meatball exercitation cillum swine magna reprehenderit excepteur cupidatat.

Meatloaf chuck sausage, ham pancetta pork belly prosciutto veniam aliqua commodo occaecat dolor ground round flank. Tenderloin tempor short loin ham hock strip steak, aliqua ut dolore enim labore exercitation ut spare ribs. Pancetta aliqua pastrami, dolore pariatur shoulder laboris velit rump magna cillum ut pork chop. Eu corned beef frankfurter labore. In hamburger nostrud, eu shank tempor short ribs bacon flank.

Chicken occaecat laboris, strip steak elit irure pancetta beef aliqua fatback tenderloin non shank pastrami meatball. Jowl labore deserunt, sirloin frankfurter prosciutto jerky laboris kielbasa aute flank venison. Prosciutto flank tempor dolor ribeye. Tongue nostrud ball tip, dolore kielbasa t-bone ut eiusmod incididunt cow andouille et rump do capicola.

Turducken mollit rump incididunt, exercitation ball tip tenderloin salami. Tongue nisi enim, incididunt non shank pancetta velit sunt aliquip esse chuck leberkase. Andouille rump leberkase, swine sunt brisket filet mignon in duis tempor quis. Sirloin sint aute spare ribs, hamburger dolore proident. Andouille capicola hamburger, ut cow turkey proident incididunt do exercitation pork loin. Sunt andouille dolore swine, culpa hamburger veniam reprehenderit.

(http://baconipsum.com/; Thanks Jules)

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August 5, 2011

My Codpiece Smells Like Soup.

BY John Jodzio
- - - -
A few days ago, I was in my backyard rehearsing a play I’d written about my ex-girlfriend, Daphne. I was wearing a codpiece and swinging around a bullwhip because there was a lot of codpiece wearing and bullwhipping in the script. I’d written a number of plays about Daphne in the last few months, but in my humble opinion this one was the best.

While I rehearsed, my neighbor Theo popped his head over my fence and asked if he could borrow my codpiece. Theo was a playwright too. There are a lot of playwrights in my neighborhood and sometimes codpieces are very hard to come by.

“Is it going to come back smelling like soup?” I asked.

I asked Theo this because once I’d lent him my hacksaw and it came back smelling like soup. It was hard to believe, but I kept putting my nose up to the saw blade and there was no escaping the scent of cream of fucking mushroom.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Theo asked.

Listen—I knew I did not have to do this favor for Theo. He was not my boss and I was taller than him if I wore my tall shoes. Still, I needed to regain some goodwill from my neighbors. There had been an incident a few weeks ago where I’d borrowed my neighbor Gary’s theremin and Daphne and I ended up having sex in front of it and her moans and my moans and the moans of the theremin mixed together into one very loud moan. Everyone on my block heard this moaning because it was the night of our neighborhood block party for which we’d signed up to bring strawberry cheesecake but hadn’t brought any strawberry cheesecake.

“It’s hard to find a good codpiece,” I told Theo as I set the codpiece into his open palm. “It’s damn hard to find a codpiece that strikes a happy balance of fit and comfort and shows off your junk in the proper way.”

I thought I’d impressed upon Theo the importance of returning my codpiece exactly as I’d given it to him, but when he brought it back the next day, it smelled like soup again. This time it smelled like broccoli and fucking cheddar.

“Not cool,” I told him. “Really not cool.”

“What’s not cool?” he asked.

That night, I scrubbed my codpiece for a long time but I couldn’t get rid of the soup smell. I went to bed angry, but when I awoke the sun was out and I was feeling somewhat better. I decided then and there that living well would be the best revenge for Theo and the rest of these asshats, so I went back out to my backyard and rehearsed my play some more. There’s a rusted out school bus sitting next to my house that I’ve been meaning to fix up for about the last ten years and I snapped my bullwhip at it over and over until I felt like myself again.

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July 20, 2011

Martyr - R.I.P. Michael Raper

A 26-year-old sausage factory worker suffered a grisly end when he slipped and fell feet first into a meat grinder which chewed off his legs and killed him.

Father-of-four Michael Raper was trapped from the waist down for two excruciating hours after he become entangled in the huge auger at the Bar S Foods plant in Lawton, Oklahoma.

Amid gruesome scenes co-workers watched in horror before frantic emergency workers managed to cut the machine in half and free him.

Mr Raper was taken to hospital but died the following day.

The aunt of Mr Raper’s fiancee, who he was due to marry in February, told KFOR-TV: ‘He slipped and went into the machine. He was still conscious at the time so I can imagine the agony he was in, and he lost both of his legs.’

Lawton Fire Department Lt Steve Thornton spoke of the terrible sight that greeted his team when they arrived.

He said they found Mr Raper, who was in charge of cleaning the machine, trapped and added that it took a further hour and 45 minutes to free him.

‘His legs were caught in an auger,’ Lt Thornton told OKNEWS.

‘They used a forklift to stabilise the auger while cutting it in two, lifted up the auger and pulled him from the machinery.

It was basically disentanglement because the gentleman was trapped.’

An air ambulance was requested but Mr Raper was taken to hospital by land after the tragedy on Tuesday night.

He was treated at the Comanche County Memorial Hospital where he died on Wednesday from ‘severe injuries’.

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June 27, 2011

I don’t even know how to feel about this.

I mean, I know how I should feel about this.

But I don’t.

June 14, 2011

The future will be an amazing place to live:

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June 10, 2011

This little pussy really gets after it.

June 9, 2011

Sausages.

April 25, 2011

Via Chazman:

“OK, this is called a RallyBrat. My principals - which are strong - should prevent me from ordering this enemy ration on dangerous turf. But look at the motherfucker. I ate before I wrote, and this is an amazing sausage. Let’s just hope now that the Sox swing their brats like we need them to v. Santana.”

Ahh, baseball and sausages…they go together like baseball and sausages and beer.

April 1, 2011

With a nod to Chaz: The codpiece.

Bringing Back the Codpiece

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Ty Karnitz.

Men today have been bringing back many classic things from the past: the hat, old cocktails, shaving with a safety razor…and now it’s time to revive another quintessential piece of manliness: the codpiece.

What’s a Codpiece?

In the 1500s, men wore hose to cover their legs. Now the hose they wore were nothing like the hose women wear today. The hose covered the legs but did not cover the genitals. As the jackets and doublets got shorter with fashion, men began to accidentally expose themselves when they sat down or mounted a horse. So, to cover their manhood, men began to wear a codpiece (from the Middle English “cod,” meaning “scrotum”).

The codpiece began as a simple piece of fabric that would be tied down, really just an extra piece of linen. However, as time wore on the codpiece became more elaborate and decorative, longer and padded. So instead of helping to conceal the genitals, the codpiece emphasized them.

However, there are alternative theories as to why the codpiece was developed. Author Marion Sichel, in the book History of Men’s Costume, suggests the codpiece developed because men’s hose became so tight they restricted movement, and the codpiece gave men more freedom of movement.

While the most readily accepted idea is that the codpiece was used to emphasize a man’s sexual prowess, there is another idea about what a codpiece was used for. Anthropologist Grace W. Vicary believes that the elongated codpieces might have contained medication to relieve symptoms of venereal diseases; this way the medication would not ruin the outer clothing.

Whatever the reasons for the codpiece’s evolution, it is without a doubt one of the most unique and distinctly manly articles of clothing ever seen. And though its height of popularity might have been in the 1500s, there is evidence that early precursors to the codpiece were around even in Ancient Greece. Some figurines recovered in archeological digs on Crete depict codpieces.

Who Wore Them in The Past

Some very manly men in the past have worn codpieces. Henry VIII is a prime example. His armor on display in the Tower of London shows that he wore a very large codpiece.

Now, the codpiece has fallen out of fashion in the last five hundred years or so, but that doesn’t mean it has vanished entirely. The Star Wars movies show great examples of codpieces on the armor of Darth Vadar and the Storm Troopers. David Bowie wore a codpiece in The Labyrinth, and Malcolm McDowell sports one in the Kubrick film A Clockwork Orange. You also see them in a lot of heavy metal bands today and in the leather subculture. Also across the world, at Renaissance fairs, men wear them still to this day.

Codpieces are handsome AND functional. Seen here: an incredibly stylish bulletproof codpiece.

Why Men Should Wear Them

The codpiece should be brought back because it can help men today Command a Room like a Man. Any man boldly sporting a codpiece as he walks into a room will instantly gain everyone’s full attention. But remember, the codpiece is supposed to accentuate and not dominate, so even though everyone is likely to be staring at you, keep the focus on them. Maintain eye contact and talk about others. Following those simple rules will also help draw a lady’s attention.

Where to Buy

Luckily enough, the codpiece is not extinct. They are still readily accessible on some very popular websites, including Amazon, and most of them will only cost you a little over 100 dollars apiece.

But perhaps that is too expensive. Perhaps, as a cautious man you want to make sure that you’re not spending money on something you won’t want in a few years. That’s okay, too, because there are cheaper alternatives.

Sports Authority, and other sport stores, offer a wide variety of jockstraps and cups that with a little effort could be turned into beautiful codpieces. Some of the newer cups look like shorts and could be worn by themselves. Some of the older styles might need a little paint, so they don’t look so white and out of place over your jeans.

Just remember to be creative about it. To make the cup look more sophisticated, try painting a design on the outside of it, like flames or dragons or an axe or maybe just a smiley face. There’s really no wrong way to bring back the codpiece–just get to it!

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